There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
