you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
