i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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