Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
