can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
