my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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