I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
