I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
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