Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
