Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
