He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
