im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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