i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just want nice things and good sex
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
