i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
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I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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