i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
