I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
