rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
