The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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