Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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