my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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