Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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