i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
