so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
