BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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