I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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