dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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