She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
