Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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