They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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