I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
