I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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