I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
