like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
