I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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