I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Are we still banned from the library?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
