Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
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A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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