i permit you to call me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
