You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
