3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
