I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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