my mouth tastes like poor choices
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
