i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
