I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
