just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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