i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
