what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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