I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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