my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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