You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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