nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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