i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
