its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
