You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Me too!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
