you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Still dying that you shit outside
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
be right there i have to get my cape
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
