I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
