Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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