Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
